[A play, in one act, wherein a young boy learns that you should always listen to your mama.]
NARRATOR: Good evening everyone
and welcome to [insert school or class name] production of “Bubba
Begonia, You'll Be Sorry". The play you will see this evening is
both entertaining and educational. You are about to see how our young
hero, Bubba Begonia, sitting at the table there, learned a very important
lesson. Something everyone should remember. You see, Bubba has this little
problem, a kind of nervous habit that is a great source of embarrassment
and upset to his family. Well, one day this little problem, this nervous
habit, became a big problem. A real big problem.
BUBBA: [Looks about to see that he isn't being watched. Slowly, his pointer finger disappears up his nose]
MRS. BEGONIA: [Turns from stove, spots Bubba] Bubba! Don't be messing with your nose! Your finger'll get stuck and then you'll be sorry.
BUBBA: [Embarrassed, quickly tucks his hand under his butt] Sorry, mom.
MRS. B: You know, today is a great opportunity for you, Bubba. New school. New classmates. They don’t have to know about this finger in the nose business. [Lets out an exasperated sigh and returns her attention to the stove]
BUBBA: I'll try, mom. Really, I will. Scouts honour. [Continues to eat cereal somewhat awkwardly with his left hand while sitting on his right. When mom is again occupied, his right hand slowly begins to rise toward his face. His finger, again, disappears up his nose]
BECKY: [Bubba's little sister Becky skips on stage and climbs up on chair beside Bubba. She looks at Bubba] Ew yuckies! Don't be messin’ with your nose nose, Bubby! Your finger'll get stuck and then you'll be sorry.
BUBBA: [again quickly jams the offending finger under his butt. With head down he begins to eat furiously]
MRS B: [wheels around to face Bubba] Oh really, Bubba! What am I going to do with you?
BECKY: He's just nervous, mommy. You’re getting a new school and a new teacher today, aren't you, Bubby? [Bubba doesn't answer] I’m going to kindergarten today for the first time too, you know. And I’m not nervous. Why don't you just bite your fingernails like me, Bubby? [She flutters her little bald fingers in front of his face]
BUBBA: Yeah! Well, if you bite your nails you’ll swallow your hand. Then you’ll be sorry, you little warthog!
BECKY: [Giggles] You're funny, Bubby! You’re a really funny guy. What's a warthog? I never heard of a warthog!
BUBBA: It's a pig, Becky! A fat ugly wild pig!
BECKY: Ooooooooiinnkk! Ooooooooiinnkk! Oooooooooiinnkk!
MRS. B: Becky! [She stops instantly and grabs cereal box]
[There is a slight pause in the action. Mrs. B, with a loud sigh, turns to stove. Becky begins to struggle with cereal box.]
BECKY: And remember, Bubby, you have to walk me to school today. ‘Cause you wouldn’t want me to get lost, would ya? And you have to hold my hand the whole way!
BUBBA: No way, Jose! I’ll walk you to school but I’m not holding hands.
BECKY: Why not, Bubby? You’re my big brother, don’t forget.
BUBBA: Because everyone will start singing “Kindergarten baby, wash you face in gravy”. And being the new kid is bad enough without that.
[Becky pouts and slumps down in her seat]
MR. BEGONIA: [Strolls on stage reading the morning paper. Sits down opposite Bubba. Glancing up he sees what his son is doing.] Bubba! Don't be messing with your nose! Your finger'll get stuck and then you'll be sorry.
BUBBA: Sorry, dad. [Hangs his head and braces himself for the lecture that is sure to follow]
DAD: You know, son, when I get nervous, I just whistle a happy tune. Why don't you try that? Just whistle a happy tune.
BECKY: I don't think you can whistle when you gotta finger up your nose, daddy. [She decides to experiment and plunging her finger into her nose, she begins to whistle 'Happy Birthday'.]
MRS. B: Becky!
BECKY: [Like her big brother she jams her hand under her butt and hangs her head] Sorry, mommy.
MRS B: [Hands on hips, glares at Bubba] Oh, Bubba, what is it going to take to make you stop this foolishness? I sure hope you don't behave like this at your new school, young man.
BUBBA: [Sitting rather foolishly now on both of his hands] Oh, no, mom! They’re gonna see a new and different kind of Bubba. Bubba Begonia … cool guy!” [raises hands over head like a winner]
[In front of curtain or darkened classroom setting, Bubba enters from stage right, walks to center stage. He is followed by a still pouting Becky]
BUBBA: [impatient] Hurry up, Becky!
BECKY: [eagerly] I walk faster when someone is holding my hand, Bubby!
BUBBA: Ya, right.
[From off stage we hear students begin to chant]
STUDENTS: Kindergarten baby wash your face in gravy! Kindergarten baby wash your face in gravy! Kindergarten baby wash your face in gravy!
BUBBA: [Beginning to panic] Becky, kindergarten kids line up over there. [points to stage left] See ya later! [runs off the stage to the right]
STUDENTS: [still off stage] Kindergarten baby wash your face in gravy!
BECKY: [pauses, forlorn, center stage, yells after Bubba] Don’t forget you have to walk me home! [pause] And hold my hand … if you want. [Exits slowly, sadly to stage left. Looks back for Bubba.]
[This scene takes place in Bubba's classroom. The students are sitting quietly, awaiting the arrival of their new teacher. Their hands are folded neatly on their desktops, except for Bubba who has only one hand neatly on his desk top. The other is tucked safely out of harm's way under his butt]
NARRATOR: A few minutes later, Bubba and his classmates
at Deerwatson Elementary School were sitting up straight and quiet in
their desks awaiting the arrival of their teacher. She was new to their
school and rumour had it that she was very pretty. The word in the hall
was that she looked like a giant Barbie doll. Bubba was boiling with excitement.
Although he would never admit it to anyone, Bubba had always thought that
Barbie was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. Even if she was only
a chunk of plastic. As you can see Bubba is taking no chances with that
picking finger. I guess he knows how important it is to make a good first
impression. Barbie would not be impressed by a finger up the nose, I'm
RAD CHAD: Hey, has anyone seen our new teacher yet?
MARGO: I saw her go into the staff room and she’s really pretty!
HAROLD: Yup, I saw her, too. She looks just like a giant Barbie Doll!
BUBBA: [Eyes bug out, jaw drops open. Thrilled at the thought]
[Miss Pimple, striding briskly into the room, is wearing a dark blue suit, high heeled shoes and a red scarf tied around her neck. She has long wavy blonde hair just like Barbie. Students all fuss and sit up straighter.]
BUBBA: [Still bug eyed. In a stage whisper he says to the audience] Barbie lives!
MISS PIMPLE: Good morning, boys and girls. I'm so happy to be here at Deerwatson Elementary School. My name is Miss Pimple.
ALL: [In sing-songy chorus] Good morning, Miss Pimple.
MISS P: I'd like to begin our first day by getting to know you all a little better. I think it would be fun if each one of us were to stand up, introduce ourselves and tell the class what we like to do when we're not in school. Doesn't that sound like fun?
ALL: [Nodding and smiling] Yes, Miss Pimple.
MISS P: How about you young lady? Would you like to start us off?
MARGO MARVELOUS: [She is wearing a frilly white dress, white knee socks and shiny black shoes. She clutches a little black purse.] Yes, Miss Pimple. My name is Margo Marvelous and when I'm not in school I like to read, write and do arithmetic. I'm also a poetess. I write love poems. Wanna hear one?
MISS P: Well....
MARGO: [Without waiting for a reply] This one is called....
Whenever I am sad and blue,
[She curtsies, the girls applaud, the boys pretend to barf, Bubba sits on his hand]
MARGO: ....and I only watch educational programs on television. My daddy is a doctor and my mummy is a lawyer and when I grow up, I'm going to be a teacher...just like you, Miss Pimple.
MISS P: Well that sounds marvelous, Margo. Oh, silly me! Of course...Margo Marvelous!
[Margo curtsies and sticks out her tongue at the boys who are still trying to stifle their giggles.]
MISS P: [Pointing to the next student] And what about you, young man? What's your name?
RAD CHAD DISCO: [A Munchkin-sized Elvis springs to his feet. He is wearing a shimmering white suit, slicked down hair, several gold necklaces and mirrored sunglasses. He thrusts his right arm dramatically in the air] Rock on, Big Mama! I'm Rad Chad Disco! I like music! Rock music! Loud rock music! Real loud rock music! When I grow up I'm gonna be a star. A rock star! A big rock star. A real big rock star! RAD CHAD DISCO! [He sneers at his classmates who burst into applause] Thang you...thang you very much.[Pauses] I'll be signing autographs and selling Rad Chad souvenirs out by the swings at recess.
MISS P: Oh my! How exciting! We have a poetess and a rock star. [To Chad] But please...my name is Miss Pimple...not Big Mama.
RAD CHAD: [Bows with a flourish and sits] You're the boss... [Aside to the audience.] Big Mama.
MISS P: [Points to the next student] Well then. Who do we have next?
HAROLD HAYMOW: [A long lean farm boy unfolds himself from his desk. He is wearing bib style overalls, a fuzzy plaid shirt, rubber boots and a baseball cap. He talks around a piece of straw that hangs from the side of his mouth.] My name is Harold Haymow and I live on a cockadoodle farm. My daddy calls me the 'Vice President of Slop'. Slops the junk you feed the animals, ya know? Pretty gross stuff sometimes. I like to slop the hogs, slop the dogs, slop the goats, slop the cows, squeeeeze[Makes wringing motion with hands] cackleberries outa my cockadoodle chickens, plow the fields, cut hay, bale hay, eat hay and shovel manure.
MISS P: Very interesting. Thank you, Harold.
HAROLD: Did you hear me say about the manure?
MISS P: Thank you, Harold!
GIRLS: [Holding noses] Eeeewww!
[Boys pretend to throw shovel fulls of manure]
MISS P: [turning her attention to the next student.] Okay, who’s next? What about this little girl with the cute green hairdo? What do you like?
MOONBABY ORBIT: [Moonbaby is a rainbow of a girl. She has green frizzy hair, blue-lip-sticked lips, orange-shadowed eyes and a silver-studded dog collar around her neck. She wears a black leather jacket, a purple plastic skirt and black and yellow striped stockings. She is chewing on a huge wad of pink bubble gum] Well, like, my name is Moonbaby. Moonbaby Orbit. And I like, well, you know, all kindsa stuff. I like, like, malls and you know. I like, well, you know, like... gum. And I like all kindsa stuff. When I grow up I wanna be, like, a doggie namer. You know, like, pick names for doggies. Like, if someone brought me, like, a Dookerman Pinker, like, I might call him maybe, like, Ripper or maybe, like, Fluffy because, like, he's not like that, you know, like, fluffy, right? Or, like maybe, if someone brought me, like, a Sam Bernard, I might, like, call him, maybe Tiny because, like, he's so big, you know. Or, maybe like, I might just call him, like...Boom Chocolate...just to be, like, kinda different. Or, like, maybe, if a person brought me, like, a Rottenweiler, I might....
MISS P: [Holding up her hand to stop the flood of words] That's very interesting....Moonbaby. The world can always use another 'doggie namer'. I think. I'm sure!
[As Moonbaby sits down, Miss Pimple checks the class list that sits on her desk. Bubba finally loses the battle with his right hand
MISS P: Okay, let's see, who's next? What about you, young... [She sees that his pointer finger has disappeared up his nose to the second knuckle] Oh good gracious me! Don't be messing with your nose! Your finger'll get stuck and then you'll be sorry.
BUBBA: [Now struggling frantically. He is pulling mightily on his right hand. He thrashes from side to side] Nuh...Nuh...Nuhh [He grunts. Suddenly he stops and sits up straight] Ny name nis Nubba, Niss Nimple. Ny nant nop nicking ny nos. Ny ninger nis nuck.
MISS P: I beg your pardon!
MARGO: Make him speak English, Miss Pimple! Make him speak English!
MISS P: Remove your finger from your nose at once, young man. I can't understand a word your saying.
BUBBA: Ny ninger nis nuck! Ny ninger nis nuck!
MISS P: [Folds her arms, taps her foot.] Listen here, young man. If this is your idea of a joke, it's...
MOONBABY: [Jumping to her feet] He says his name is,
like, Bubba, Miss Pimple and he can't stop, like, messin’ with his
nose because, like, his finger is...like...stuck! [Shock registers on
the faces of all. Lights fade, actors freeze]